If
by Helen w
Summary: If . . . ' - Abby's thoughts after 10.1.


If  
  
Rating - G  
  
Category - angst  
  
Pairing - Carby  
  
Beta - don't have one, so any mistakes are mine.  
  
Disclaimer - I don't own them, nor do I claim to.  
  
Spoilers - set after 10.1 'Now What'  
  
A/n - is set after 10.1, I haven't actually seen it, and so it is based on spoilers. Again this fic, is abstract, but conformity is over-rated :)  
  
Nikki, Brookestar, Jo7, Nurse Mandi, Kattybaby2318 - Thanks for the reviews of my last fic. It meant a lot to know that you enjoyed it.  
  
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If you ask me to try, I will. Honestly, I will try to stop the fatalism, to stop the eternal pessimism. But some days it just gets too much, you know? Me. Us. Because try as I might, I can't seem to see how this will work out, how we will get better. We've been though so much, but are we reaching the end of the road? Is there anything more to say, anything more to argue about? So yeah, in response to the question you posed, what seems like a lifetime ago, maybe we are growing and changing, maybe. But I can't help but ask myself if we are growing and changing together, or apart.  
  
If you ask me where I see myself in 10 years time, my heart wants to say with you. But my head doesn't want to guess, and set itself up for disappointment, because all I can see is what is standing right in front of me: the tears, the arguments, the shouting. Try as I might, I can't see a happy future, and it's not that I don't want to, because as much as I hate myself for it, in my heart lies dreams of marriage, kids and the white picket fence. But in my head I don't see how that's going to happen, not when we're where we are now.  
  
If you try to fix me, it won't work, because there is not visible crack. And as much as I hate to admit it, I fear that you only love this perfect picture of me, who I could be, would be, if I had the strength. But I want you to love me, even if I can't stop the drinking, the smoking. You have to love me even if I don't change a thing. Because I know that being in love with a dream ruins everything. Looking back, if you had asked me on that night, I would have said 'Yes', but it wouldn't have been the right answer. I would have regretted it, because I don't want you to marry me when you're in love with a dream. And I get it, I really do, because how can you love the real me when I find it hard to even like myself?  
  
If in the restaurant, you had asked me, and I had said 'yes'. If we had got married. Maybe I would have changed, become a better person. But it would have been because I needed to prove to myself that I could get something right, that we could get something right. At night, in my dreams I see how we could have been, the fairytale marriage, the honeymoon. But in my nightmares, I see how it would have been. I would never had had the strength to change, and even if I had I had I wouldn't have done it for me, I would have done it because I was scared of losing you.  
  
If you try to blame me for all our problems I don't know if I'll have the strength to argue back. I admit, I have problems, and I'm working on that, I really am. But if you can't admit to yourself, that you might actually have issues too, that you might actually have things to deal with, then there's nothing I can do, not until you see it yourself. What do you want me to do, spell it out for you? I can't, only you know, and that's where it's got to come from: you. Because at the end of the day there is only so much I can do, only so much of this I can take.  
  
If you ask me why, I won't be able to explain. But I need you to know that I'm doing this for myself. Because I need to know that I have a future, that I can fix myself and that this will work out. I need to know that in 10 years I can have it all, I can have the marriage, the children, and the white picket fence. I need to know that no matter how bleak things seem now, someday, it will all be worth it, because I will be truly happy.  
  
So if you come back maybe I will be a changed person, or maybe I'll just be the same. All I know is that I have to try, because I can't go on like this, there has to be something better, someone better, inside of me. 


End file.
